


Dark paradise

by bestaceinspace



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, F/F, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-25
Updated: 2014-05-25
Packaged: 2018-01-26 00:36:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1668275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bestaceinspace/pseuds/bestaceinspace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You remember how long and dark her hair was, and it feels like yesterday when you both were in her car, driving down roads, kissing at parking lots, smoking and laughing until the stars burnt out.</p>
<p>She would never let you go before sunrise, too distracted by the way the light reflect in your pale skin, bringing out some timid freckles that danced on your naked shoulders. She was lying on top of you, the backseat of the car almost too small to fit you both. Not that you would ever complain about having her body pressed down against yours for hours, though. On the contraire, you have never felt so safe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dark paradise

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this one day on the bus while listening to Lana del Rey's songs. That's how it all started. I don't really know what this is, but it isn't happy.
> 
> Mostly inspired by the songs Born to die, Dark paradise and Summertime sadness.

_“And there's no remedy for memory. Your face is like a melody, it won't leave my head. Your soul is hunting me and telling me that everything is fine, but I wish I was dead.”_

**Dark Paradise**

.

Suddenly, heaven breaks, and you realize you are still burning, desperate for air or water to clean up your wounds and help you breathe again.

That’s why you stay here, hopelessly.

.

You remember how long and dark her hair was, and it feels like yesterday when you both were in her car, driving down roads, kissing at parking lots, smoking and laughing until the stars burnt out.

She would never let you go before sunrise, too distracted by the way the light reflect in your pale skin, bringing out some timid freckles that danced on your naked shoulders. She was lying on top of you, the backseat of the car almost too small to fit you both. Not that you would ever complain about having her body pressed down against yours for hours, though. On the contraire, you have never felt so safe.

“You know what?” She asked, and you licked your lips, focused on the way her eyes watched you carefully. Ruby bit her bottom lip, before leaning down to kiss you slowly, turning brief minutes into a lifetime.

“If you were an angel”, she said, distracted while running her fingers through your red hair. “The heavens would claim you away from me.”

You laughed to that. It was always a bit funny when Ruby said things like that and looked serious, almost like she meant it. You never really believed her, and that might have hurt you both more than you ever realized.

“Ruby”, you said, rolling your eyes. “I’m no angel. And it’s not like you believe in things like that.”

“What things?”

“Heaven or hell”, you explained, “angels and demons.”

“Yeah, I don’t”, Ruby admitted.

“But you still see yourself as a bad person.” _You think that I don’t deserve you,_ you always thought, but never said.

It took Ruby a moment to process the words, but she didn’t say anything afterwards. Instead she looked away from you and started at the window. The night was turning into a dark shade of grey, foggy, like a long lost memory. Ruby tried to be optimistic about things sometimes, but it was hard, especially when she had you on her arms. It never seemed real enough. It was always like the universe was toying with her in trying to make her believe she deserved such thing as happiness and a good life. If only you, Anna, felt the same way… You were still blind by the goodness you saw in everyone you laid eyes on. Ruby weren’t different. You liked her.

“You are not like the others, Ruby”, you added, and she finally looked back at you, seeming scared about something she saw outside of the little shell of perfection you shared. It didn’t matter that you were safe from the outside world, for those brief moments, everything was still crumbling, even if you didn’t notice at the time. You never noticed anything. Now if feels that she had been lying to you all along. Worse than that, you had been lying to yourself.

“I’m no better”, Ruby fought back, and you could swear you heard something crack. Maybe it was a thunder; maybe you imagined it. “And I might not believe in heaven, but I do believe in something.”

You only looked at her and waited for the rest to come.

“The world is hell, Anna”, Ruby explained, serious than ever this time. “I hope you realize it soon, before it’s too late.”

_It’s not. It’s not hell, Ruby._ You tried to say, but no sound came out of your mouth, making you feel frozen in time. You remember closing your eyes after that and feeling the weight that once was on top of your body disappear.

_Open your eyes, Anna._

You hear the wind whispering at your ear.

.

This is not hell. This is also not heaven, this is not purgatory.

You never believed in those things either, just as Ruby never did.

All that matters is if you close your eyes again and think hard enough, the breeze coming from the ocean might feel like Ruby’s kisses on your lips, and it hurts your soul. You miss the depth of the hard press of her mouth against your body. The wind plays with your hair and you think about her fingers running through it. It’s not real enough.

You wish it was her, so you step a little closer to the ocean, letting go of what held you back, a long forgotten past, memories that might have never been there at the back of your mind at all.

This is it, you think. It feels just like an apocalypse, and of the worst kind, the one inside your head, and you start hearing voices again, her voice.

_“I hope you realize it soon… Before it’s too late.”_

_I know, Ruby. I understand it now._

You know what you have to do, finally, so you fight to keep your eyes open so you can finally see, but the sky is foggy, like that day when you two were in her car, close to the beach.

It’s a long lost memory, one that never existed at all.

.

_“I think I'll miss you forever like the stars miss the sun in the morning skies. Later is better than never. Even if you're gone, I'm gonna drive, drive…”_

**Summertime Sadness**

.

When you finally look around at the beach, you see her again. She has been there all along, watching you. You squeeze your eyes to make sure you can believe what is right in front of you. You realize Ruby has a cigarette between her fingers, a tiny smile playing on her lips, the only one you ever saw her show you.

“Ruby”, you say, your voice suffocated by the crashing of the waves, but she didn’t have to listen to you to see. She looks at you and presses her lips against the cigarette before letting out smoke that gets mixed with the fog that surrounds you.

You walk towards her, then, seeing that she wouldn’t move, and just as if it is meant to be, it starts raining, but that doesn’t scare Ruby away, she is still there when you reach out to her.

“Anna, you shouldn’t be here”, it’s all she says. You frown at her, not understanding why she isn’t glad to see you. You have been looking for her for ages, it seems. The rain soaks your hair and clothes, and you feel the heaviness fall on your shoulders. Nothing affects Ruby in any way, though, and she keeps smoking her cigarette, the smoke forming around her again.

“Why?” You finally find your own voice to ask.

“Ask yourself”, Ruby says. She inhales some more, stepping closer to you so you could feel the smell of her cigarette, but, surprisingly, you don’t. You also don’t feel the smoke against your face.  “Why is it raining?” She asks, looking at the sky casually.

“Why are we here, Ruby?” You insist, starting to feel angry.

“I’m just smoke, Anna, dust”, Ruby speaks, throwing away her cigarette; her eyes are darker than you remember them to be. “I’m nothing more than just fog.”

You look around again trying to understand. It keeps raining, and the heaviness of it all keeps pushing you down, like it’s trying to crush your lungs and you stop to listen to the ocean ahead of you, too far away. You hear thunder, you see lighting, but nothing feels real enough, not even Ruby. The light from the sky doesn’t reflect on anything, instead it hides away in the fog. You head hurts and spins. You feel like you are falling underwater because suddenly it gets hard to breathe.

“Why are you here, Anna?” Ruby keeps asking and asking on repeat inside your head. You shut your eyes hard, trying not to listen.

“What do you really see?” She asks you, and after that you don’t hear any more sounds. It’s all quiet.

So you open your eyes and see.

.

You remember the car crash. Everything comes back to you, piece by piece. It is such a cliché you can _see_ Ruby in your imagination rolling her eyes, saying _I can’t believe it._

And neither can you, to be fair.

The pressure against your body crushes your insides, the water rushing inside the car unstoppably.

Ruby is long gone; you don’t see her sitting there on the driver’s seat next to you. You stayed because you believed too much. You kept your hope up high, but sometimes you knew you were supposed to let it go, even though it was the hardest thing.

_“Our souls are trapped here”,_ you hear Ruby saying, and you are back at the late afternoon at the back of her car, she lying on top of you.

“This is limbo”, you say, and she looks sad. She avoids looking at you; instead she gets lost staring at the fog outside of the car, in a world you were not supposed to be in anymore.

“We created this”, Ruby realizes, looking back at you.

“I did”, you disagree. “I was too weak to let go.”

Ruby gives you a sad smile, a tiny one like all the others she has given you. She runs her hands through your hair, and it’s when you realize it is wet, sticking on your head, and you feel cold, too cold, even with Ruby’s warm body against yours.

“This is only a part of your memories, just as what you saw at the beach.”

“Was any of it real?” You ask, too scared to know the answer.

“I’m not sure what is anymore”, Ruby says. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“I’m sorry you were with me”, Ruby says, before kissing you hard in the mouth. You don’t say anything; you just let her do whatever she likes. You get lost in it, in everything, like you always have. “I’m sorry I brought you down the road with me. I’m sorry, Anna”, Ruby keeps saying against your skin, her fingers trailing down your naked body. You simply shiver against her touch, at the same time as you ache for it. She bites down your lips with all she has, she bruises you, she heals you, and she breaks you down and puts you back together. There’s no way you could be more unmade than this. You are already gone.

“This is”, you say in a whisper. Ruby doesn’t stop to look at you or listen; she keeps kissing you all over, her hot breath against your neck, her teeth biting at your sensible skin. One of her hands is trapped in the mess of your hair, the other runs down your body and stops between your legs. You throw your head back and she helps you while pulling gently at your hair. When she finds the right place, the only part of you that still feels warm, because of her, _for her_ , she moves her fingers slowly and you start arching even closer to her hand, giving in. She keeps you light up, her eyes dark with lust when she stares into your eyes again.

“This is real”, you say, more to try and convince yourself than anything else. “It has to be.”

You feel yourself giving up to her touches, and you feel tired, but you don’t want to close your eyes, so you keep looking at her instead.

“I’m sorry”, it’s all she tells you, and it hurts so much to hear it that you want to cry. She moans against your ear, and you get lost into the way her hands keep touching you.

“If I let go this time, will I see you again?” You ask, and tears run down your face. She doesn’t answer. She doesn’t know, either, you realize. Ruby is as scared as you.

So, when you shut your eyes for the last time, you wish to wake up on her warm arms again.

You pray for it, and finally let go.

.

_“Come and take a walk on the wild side. Let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain. You like your girls insane. Choose your last words; this is the last time, cause you and I, we were born to die.”_

**Born to Die**


End file.
